Steampunk Man Crushed to Death by His Own Gears

A young man in the Steampunk scene yesterday was crushed to death by his own gears. His family has requested that his name remain private, but he was known in the Steampunk community as Lord Nigil Cornelius Crankstone IV.

According to the police report, no foul play is suspected, as Crankstone was literally crushed beneath the weight of the massive quantity of small gears he was wearing. The majority of them were glued, sewn, or riveted onto his clothing, but some were simply piled on. Crankstone was known to leave a trail of gears behind him when he walked.

"He must have been wearing over six hundred pounds of gears," said Joey Marsocci, better known as Dr. Grymm. "And that's American pounds, not British pounds."

Witnesses say that he was being helped into his costume, a large, mechanical-looking contraption covered in non-functioning gears, when the problem occurred. Witnesses report that Crankstone was standing there one moment, and then was crushed like a tin can the next.

"His girlfriend was helping him put his outfit on," said Thomas Willeford, a bystander. "She put one last tiny gear on him, and bam, he was gone. She didn't want to do it, but he insisted. I'll have nightmares for at least a day."

Steampunk, a burgeoning subculture movement in which participants wear 19th-century-inspired clothes adorned with as many goggles and gears as they can, has gained attention in the media lately with the release of Justin Bieber's music video "Santa Claus is Coming to Town", a critically-acclaimed entry into Bieber's rock-solid canon.

Steampunks believe that the more gears you wear, the "cooler" you look, and it is absolutely forbidden for the gears to actually function as a part of a machine. While this odd hobby may seem benign, this incident proves that it can easily be taken too far.

"I'm glad he's dead," said notable Steampunk author Jeff Vandermeer. "These Steampunks take it way too far, you know? Maybe now they'll learn that Steampunk is serious business."

Lord Crankstone lived with his parents, but he leaves behind a pretend family, including his pretend wife, Lady Victoria Bruce Crankstone, and his two pretend children, Master Richard "Spotty" Crankstone and the young Miss Abigail Eustlace Crankstone.

This article is satire. Quotes are made up, and this should not under any circumstances be taken seriously by anyone!

Photos by Voyagerix, Marcin Poziemski, Figalip, Junrong, and IgorGolovniov, all from Shutterstock.